The Parable of the Bloodthirsty Gods

To serve man

1 A Chat

The vegan and the meat eater sat down to dine. The meat eater’s initials are ME and the vegans initials are V — duh! .

V: What gives you the right to eat animals — causing tons of unnecessary suffering.

M: Several things.

V: Can you enumerate them?

M: One of them is the circle of life. We all have to eat and there’s a food chain. We’re atop the food chain — and we eat the lower organisms.

V: Okay, so can you spell this out for me. If a being is higher on the food chain, it’s okay to eat lower organisms?

M: Right. Just like it’s fine when lions eat gazelles.

V: Okay, but we’re moral agents. Just because the circle of life means we naturally eat animals doesn’t mean we should.

M: I think that it’s a self-evident moral principle that one should act according to the circle of life — eating beings low on the food chain.

V: Really, this is self-evident?

M: Yes, I think it is. When I reflect on the moral principles, it’s obvious that those higher on the food chain can eat those lower on the food chain, even if it causes enormous amounts of unnecessary suffering.

V: Okay, what else.

M: Well, we’re much smarter than animals. It is only fitting for the smart to eat the dumb.

V: Okay, so you can eat beings that are much stupider than you?

M: Yes — but only beings that are orders of magnitude stupider than you.

V: Okay, got it! What else.

M: Well, it’s a personal choice. I don’t think we should judge people based on what they eat.

V: Okay, personal choice. So, just to be clear, you shouldn’t judge or condemn people based on what they eat?

M: Right!

V: Okay, anything else?

M: Also, it’s my culture to eat animals.

V: Okay, great! So it’s okay to eat beings if your culture says that it’s okay?

M: Yes!

V: Any other reasons?

M: Well, I only care about humans.

V: Why is that?

M: Well, they’re my species! I don’t care about other species.

V: Thank you Mr. (checks notes) Meat Eater. Your answers have been very helpful.

2 Bloodthirsty Gods

THE BLOODTHIRSTY GOD’S SPEECH IS LIKE THIS human speech is not.

WE HAVE COME TO DEVOUR YOUR FLESH!

Why do you want to devour my flesh?

YOU TASTE GOOD. AND WE’VE BEEN CONVINCED THAT IT’S NOT IMMORAL. IN FACT, THE ARGUMENTS YOU MADE TO THAT ANNOYING PREACHY VEGAN GUY GIVE US ALL THE JUSTIFICATION WE NEED TO EAT YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY. YOUR FLESH WILL MAKE A DELICIOUS TREAT.

What? How could it possibly be right to eat me.

WELL, IT’S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. FROM TIME IMMEMORIAL, THE STRONG HAVE DOMINATED THE WEAK. YOU SAID EARLIER THAT IT’S FINE FOR BEINGS HIGHER ON THE FOOD CHAIN TO EAT BEINGS LOWER ON THE FOOD CHAIN. WE ARE HIGHER ON THE FOOD CHAIN — WE HAVE SUPER ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY; TECHNOLOGY THAT CAN RAZE CITIES. YOU ARE JUST NOT ADEQUATELY EQUIPPED TO BE ON OUR LEVEL, CIRCLE OF LIFE WISE. SO, WE WILL EAT YOU, YOUR KIDS, AND YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

But… I didn’t mean.

WE ARE TEXTUALISTS MR. MEAT EATER. WE DO NOT CARE IF YOU DID NOT HAVE IN MIND A SCENARIO WHERE YOU WOULD BE ON THE MENU. YOU’VE LAID OUT VERY SENSIBLE PRINCIPLES ABOUT WHEN IT’S OKAY TO EAT MEAT. NOW YOU’RE TRYING TO RENEG ON THEM, JUST BECAUSE IT COST YOU. AND THIS FOOD CHAIN ARGUMENT DOES NOT ADMIT OF FINE-GRAINED DISTINCTIONS — IF THE FOOD CHAIN IS WHAT EXONNERATES EATING MEAT, THEN SURELY IT IS JUST AS RIGHT AND PROPER, REGARDLESS OF THE CAPACITIES OF THE BEINGS. IN FACT, YOU SAID THAT THE PRINCIPLE THAT THOSE HIGHER UP ON THE FOOD CHAIN CAN EAT THOSE LOWER ON THE FOOD CHAIN IS A SELF EVIDENT MORAL PRINCIPLE. AND PLUS, EVEN IF THE FOOD CHAIN STUFF TURNS OUT WRONG, IT’S STILL OBVIOUSLY PERMISSIBLE FOR US TO EAT YOU.

What, why?

WELL, WE ARE MUCH SMARTER THAN YOU. THIS IS THE THING THAT THE MILITANT ANTI-EATING HUMANS CROWD JUST DOESN’T GRASP. WE ARE SMARTER THAN YOU AND, BY VIRTUE OF OUR VASTLY SUPERIOR INTELLECT — I MEAN REALLY, JUST ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE GREATER THAN YOURS — WE CAN EAT YOU. YOU SAID AS MUCH WHEN ARGUING WITH MR. VEGAN. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US AND YOU IS AS GREAT AS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND A COW. WE CAN DO CALCULUS PROBLEMS IN OUR HEAD, MR. MEAT EATER.

Oh, but of course, I meant that there’s an intelligence threshold somewhere above the cow’s intelligence. Above this threshold, it is wrong to torture beings senselessly — that includes us of course — but below this threshold it isn’t wrong.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT THIS THRESHOLD EXISTS.

Intuition, of course. Careful reflection reveals that there’s a special threshold between human and cow.

AH, WELL, ONE THING THAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT — THERE’S ANOTHER THRESHOLD SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE THRESHOLD OF YOU AND US.

How do you know this?

INTUITION OF COURSE. CAREFUL REFLECTION REVEALS THERE’S ANOTHER SPECIAL THRESHOLD BETWEEN HUMANS AND BLOODTHIRSTY GOD!

BUT EVEN IF THERE WEREN’T, IT WOULDN’T MATTER.

Why not?

WELL, WE’RE GOING TO BE MOSTLY VICIOUSLY TORTURING IN THE CRUELEST WAYS IMAGINABLE TERMINALLY ILL INFANTS. THAT WAY, THEY’RE BOTH VERY STUPID AND WILL NEVER BE SMART. WE’LL ALSO MOSTLY TORTURE MENTALLY DISABLED HUMANS! THEY’RE MORE ENFEEBLE THAN COWS — JUST AS INFANTS ARE. THAT WAY, WHAT WE’RE DOING IS BETTER THAN FARMING COWS.

Okay, so it seems that you are going to eat us.

OF COURSE. ADDITIONALLY, IT IS MY CULTURE TO EAT HUMANS — WE GODS HAVE THIS AS AN IMPORTANT CULTURAL THING. WHO ARE YOU TO TELL INDIGENOUS GODS WHAT THEY CAN AND CANNOT EAT! THIS SOUNDS LIKE COLONIALISM ALL OVER AGAIN. ADDITIONALLY, IT’S A PERSONAL CHOICE TO EAT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. AS YOU SAY, PEOPLE SHOULDN’T BE JUDGED OVER WHAT THEY EAT. SO, WITH THAT, I SHALL SAY GOODBYE. I HOPE YOU TASTE BETTER THAN YOU REASON.