Parody Socratic Dialogue

Making fun of Socrates

Xenophius

(Xenophius is made up, obviously).

Xenophius: Socrates, you are a philosopher, are you not.

Socrates: I am indeed.

Xenophius: So tell me Socrates, why ought I be just.

Socrates: Does a baker bake?

Xenonophius: Why, not all the time Socrates.

Socrates: But do all bakers bake at some point?

Xenophius: Yes, of course, Socrates

Socrates: And what of the ship-maker: what does he do?

Xenophius: Why he makes ships Socrates.

Socrates: And one who must do something cannot do otherwise, is this not true?

Xenophius: Of course it is Socrates.

Socrates: And a good horse is better than a bad horse, is it not?

Xenophius: Of course Socrates.

Socrates: What about a good dog? It is better than a bad dog?

Xenophius: Of course, Socrates.

Socrates: What of a good human—is it not better than a bad human?

Xenophius: Why of course.

Socrates: And you are not a bad human, correct?

Xenophius: Of course not Socrates.

Socrates: So then you are a good human, are you not?

Xenophius: Why, I suppose that would follow, Socrates.

Socrates: And one should do what they must, should they not?

Xenophius: But don’t some claim that they must be unjust.

Socrates: Of course. But is it not the case that what one actually must do is what they ought to do?

Xenophius: Why…I suppose so Socrates.

Socrates: And what does a good dog do?

Xenophius: Why, I suppose they bark.

Socrates: And what does a good mouth do?

Xenophius: Why, I suppose it chews food and speaks.

Socrates: And do humans not act?

Xenophius: Why, I suppose they do, Socrates.

Socrates: So a good human must act justly, must they not?

Xenophius: Why, that does follow Socrates.

Socrates: And you are a good human?

Xenophius: Yes.

Socrates: And you should do what you must.

Xenophius: I suppose so.

Socrates: So then would it not follow that you should be just?

Xenophius: I suppose it would Socrates.

Chat with Bentham.

Socrates: Tell me, is an elephant greater than a man?

Bentham: Why it is in size.

Socrates: What of moral character—is it not greater in that respect?

Bentham: I suppose it is not.

Socrates: And elephant has trunks, do they not?

Bentham: Yes, I suppose they do.

Socrates: And what of the tree. Does it have trunks?

Bentham: Yes

Socrates: And Is man not superior to it?

Bentham: Well, I’d imagine it would depend on the tree. If a tree gives shade to a great many people, it would be greater than a man who is very bad.

Socrates: Ah, but in general, are men not greater than trees?

Bentham: They are.

Socrates: So one that is watched is a tree, is it not?

Bentham: I suppose some trees are watched.

Socrates: And what of the elephant: is it also watched?

Bentham: I suppose so.

Socrates: And they are both lesser than man?

Bentham: Yes.

Socrates: And in your panopticon, is one not watched.

Bentham: Why they are. And in fact, I argue…

Socrates: So does it not follow inescapably that those in your panopticon would be less great and would cause humans to have trunks.

…

Chat with Chomsky

Socrates: You hate U.S. foreign policy, do you not?

Chomsky: I do.

Socrates: And U.S. foreign policy is claimed to be just, is it not?

Chomsky: Certainly in the U.S., it is.

Socrates: And is a tree not claimed to be a tree, Noam?

Chomsky: I suppose it is.

Socrates: And what of the fox? Is it not claimed to be a fox?

Chomsky: It is too.

Socrates: And what of a boat? Is it not claimed to be a boat?

Chomsky: That it is.

Socrates: So then if things are what they are claimed to be, is U.S. foreign policy not just?