Xenophius
(Xenophius is made up, obviously).
Xenophius: Socrates, you are a philosopher, are you not.
Socrates: I am indeed.
Xenophius: So tell me Socrates, why ought I be just.
Socrates: Does a baker bake?
Xenonophius: Why, not all the time Socrates.
Socrates: But do all bakers bake at some point?
Xenophius: Yes, of course, Socrates
Socrates: And what of the ship-maker: what does he do?
Xenophius: Why he makes ships Socrates.
Socrates: And one who must do something cannot do otherwise, is this not true?
Xenophius: Of course it is Socrates.
Socrates: And a good horse is better than a bad horse, is it not?
Xenophius: Of course Socrates.
Socrates: What about a good dog? It is better than a bad dog?
Xenophius: Of course, Socrates.
Socrates: What of a good human—is it not better than a bad human?
Xenophius: Why of course.
Socrates: And you are not a bad human, correct?
Xenophius: Of course not Socrates.
Socrates: So then you are a good human, are you not?
Xenophius: Why, I suppose that would follow, Socrates.
Socrates: And one should do what they must, should they not?
Xenophius: But don’t some claim that they must be unjust.
Socrates: Of course. But is it not the case that what one actually must do is what they ought to do?
Xenophius: Why…I suppose so Socrates.
Socrates: And what does a good dog do?
Xenophius: Why, I suppose they bark.
Socrates: And what does a good mouth do?
Xenophius: Why, I suppose it chews food and speaks.
Socrates: And do humans not act?
Xenophius: Why, I suppose they do, Socrates.
Socrates: So a good human must act justly, must they not?
Xenophius: Why, that does follow Socrates.
Socrates: And you are a good human?
Xenophius: Yes.
Socrates: And you should do what you must.
Xenophius: I suppose so.
Socrates: So then would it not follow that you should be just?
Xenophius: I suppose it would Socrates.
Chat with Bentham.
Socrates: Tell me, is an elephant greater than a man?
Bentham: Why it is in size.
Socrates: What of moral character—is it not greater in that respect?
Bentham: I suppose it is not.
Socrates: And elephant has trunks, do they not?
Bentham: Yes, I suppose they do.
Socrates: And what of the tree. Does it have trunks?
Bentham: Yes
Socrates: And Is man not superior to it?
Bentham: Well, I’d imagine it would depend on the tree. If a tree gives shade to a great many people, it would be greater than a man who is very bad.
Socrates: Ah, but in general, are men not greater than trees?
Bentham: They are.
Socrates: So one that is watched is a tree, is it not?
Bentham: I suppose some trees are watched.
Socrates: And what of the elephant: is it also watched?
Bentham: I suppose so.
Socrates: And they are both lesser than man?
Bentham: Yes.
Socrates: And in your panopticon, is one not watched.
Bentham: Why they are. And in fact, I argue…
Socrates: So does it not follow inescapably that those in your panopticon would be less great and would cause humans to have trunks.
…
Chat with Chomsky
Socrates: You hate U.S. foreign policy, do you not?
Chomsky: I do.
Socrates: And U.S. foreign policy is claimed to be just, is it not?
Chomsky: Certainly in the U.S., it is.
Socrates: And is a tree not claimed to be a tree, Noam?
Chomsky: I suppose it is.
Socrates: And what of the fox? Is it not claimed to be a fox?
Chomsky: It is too.
Socrates: And what of a boat? Is it not claimed to be a boat?
Chomsky: That it is.
Socrates: So then if things are what they are claimed to be, is U.S. foreign policy not just?
This must be one of those jokes that only philosophy majors can love.