Mimicking Friedman's Writing Style

Mixed metaphor galore

Like a bull in a China shop, Friedman is bullish on China.

(For context, see here).

What Thomas Friedman is apt for is um aphorism. It seems that Friedman has reached the bottom of his well of aphorisms, before he submarines up, producing another smorgasbord of aphorisms, each one more explosive and muddled than the previous one. Thomas Friedman seems to be entered in a one-man race to see who can mix their metaphors the most, but it’s a race to the bottom, and the winner (or loser) gets a lucrative New York Times gig.

Of course, there is egg on the face of anyone who advocated repeatedly the murderous Iraq invasion. But given the fervency with which Friedman did this, his face should be red hot with shame, and though nothing would make up for his advocacy of the Iraq war, perhaps this would bring the egg on his face to boiling temperature, cooking it, and perhaps the cooked egg could be used to feed hungry Iraqi children.

A fervent defender of green energy, incidentally, Friedman advocates more green being spent on energy. Like a drug dealer on a couch who doesn’t currently have food, we need to find ways of gaining energy, ideally in ways that curb our addiction to oil. And especially in this case where the rest of the world is yelling at us “stop using so much oil,” it’s high time we follow their suggestions. We are in a deep hole, steering with no rudder, and as any good ship maker will tell you, that makes for a bumpy ride.

In short, as any philosopher knows, we need to stop putting the cart before the horse, especially when the horse is kicking us in the face and telling us that we really need to take decisive action when it comes to Russia. And though the horse may never stop neighing, or beating the proverbial drum, eventually, at least we won’t need to worry about the cart.

Our policy towards Ukraine should involve setting the dogs on Russia, except the dogs need not be set, only directed, for they are fighting for their lives from a much larger, much more ferocious set of dogs, which incidentally used to be Soviet dogs, and are lead by a power-hungry maniac. Putin has been caught red-handed, sticking his hand in the cookie jar, and though it is clear he has significantly dropped the ball, our allies are still terrified.

We are like a racist dog, who has been barking up the wrong tree, while a Russian man takes the wallet of our Ukrainian friend. And though the cancer is quickly metastasizing, there is still time to act, for the icing is not yet on the cake. This, unfortunately, brings us to a discussion of our previous president. For any normal president, it would be a piece of cake to avoid buttering up dictators. But unfortunately, our former president, born with a silver spoon in his mouth, couldn’t bother to open his mouth to say anything except to praise Putin, who had already caused so many Crimeans to kick the bucket, in grueling and brutal fashion.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room—we need to quit our dependence on oil cold turkey and stop horsing around to get Putin’s goat. In short, we need to douse cold water on Putin, who has been running around like a headless chicken, with Soviet glory as his sacred cow. Probably Putin has gone bananas, but either way, we must tell him that we have a one to pick with him. We mustn’t let him pull the wool over our eyes, and we must recognize what’s really going on, even if it tells a depressing story about the failure of U.S. policy in the past.