I Was Vegan Before I Learned This

Now I follow the carnivore diet

(Inspired by this article by the incomparable

Glenn

. In fact, the article is similar enough that Glenn could sue me for plagiarism, but I think he’s a nice enough guy not to. So check out Glenn’s article too—mine is but a pale shadow of his).

I used to be a vegan. I’d go around telling people about the horrible things that go on in factory farms, like how the animals are locked in a tiny cage, have their beak and tails cut off, are killed while often still fully conscious, live in constant filth and feces, and routinely go crazy because of the conditions. The only meat I’d eat would be roadkill from dead animals that I found on the ground.

I’d tell people to watch the movie Dominion, and if they closed their eyes during the movie, I’d viciously berate them and physically force their eyes open. I wrote a 10 billion word book called “the hypocrisy of vegetarians.” On Thanksgiving, I made sure to tell people about the way turkeys are produced—namely, through male turkeys being masturbated, their semen being extracted, and forced into female turkeys while the females try to escape.

Then, one day, I was asked why I was vegan. Confidently, I declared “I think it’s wrong to cause others lots of pain and suffering for small benefit to yourself. I think you shouldn’t cause others to undergo a lifetime of misery for the sake of a tasty meal.”

That’s when my world was shaken.

“Ah,” they replied, “but what about the fact that lions eat meat?”

I was shocked. How had no one ever told me this? I had no idea that lions ate meat. I’d thought they were herbivores who spent their days munching on grass. Obviously, lions were my role-models, which is why I often cannibalized young children so that a woman would raise my children instead of the children of another male.

I began to cry. What a fool I had been. I’d thought you shouldn’t cause others to be tortured for slight benefit, but how could that be right if lions eat other animals.

I was done for. If I thought animals had the right not to be eaten, that must mean I approved of all their conduct. Rights imply responsibilities after all—we know that because it sounds true—so if animals don’t follow through on their responsibility not to eat other animals, then they can’t have any rights.

But the objections just kept coming:

Plants feel pain.

It was true! That time I pulled that puppy out of a burning building, I was acting immorally! I should have saved the multiple bok choys instead. How could I have been so callous?

If there were sentient plant aliens who didn’t understand animals, they’d be really horrified by our eating plants, but not eating animals, because they wouldn’t really understand animals.

Oh how could I have been so foolish? How could an action be right if there’s a logically possible alien species that would disapprove of it? How could an act be wrong if a logically possible alien species that doesn’t understand the act wouldn’t regard it as wrong?

It’s the circle of life.

Yes, yes, of course. It is the circle of that! That is exactly the circle of which it is. We’re apex predators, more than capable of hurting others. So why shouldn’t we? For similar reasons, if we ever discover smart aliens above us in the food chain, they’ll be fully justified in locking us in crates, torturing us, and then eating us.

Veganism is colonialist.

That time I paid for some carrots instead of the flesh of a tortured animal, I’d thought it was an innocent act. But not, it was colonialism and white supremacy because…some white people sometimes tell others to go vegan. Plus, indigenous cultures eat meat, and they’ve never done any immoral thing ever. I was basically the Dutch East India Company—but worse!!!

We need adequate bloodlust brought about by eating red meat so we’re not taken over by the Chinese communist party.

How else would we get adequate bloodlust?

We need to eat meat to survive.

Of course, of course! How had I overlooked the fact that I was presently dead? All the vegans in the world are emaciated weaklings.

That was the day my veganism died. I instead decided to adopt the carnivore diet at the urging of Jordan Peterson. And while I have not shit in a week, and my vision is blurred, those organ meats have given me superhuman powers!