Bentham's Diary

Written by Amos Wollen

This was written entirely by Amos Wollen who has an excellent blog. I’ll leave you all to judge whether he in fact did find a secret diary that I have.

24/07/2024: Today my girlfriend asked me why I had a “furrowed brow”. I told her, “Richard Hanania just endorsed the self-sampling assumption, which is the principle according to which one should reason as though they were a random sample from one’s reference class. If you want to know why he’d endorse the self-sampling assumption, it’s because he doesn’t donate enough to charity. If you want to know why he doesn’t donate enough to charity, it’s probably because he’s a massive retar—wait, have I told you my killer objection to deontology yet? *laughs, puts on a theatrically deep voice* Oh. my. God, so basically, consider the following nine principles, number one…”. Pookie’s eyes glazed over like a vegan donut, which is what she does when she’s paying attention.

25/07/2024: Today Walt Bismark wrote an article titled “Bentham’s Bulldog Should Become A Gay Prostitute”. I’ll make a joke about his mother, but it’s his father he should worry about.

26/07/2024: This morning I woke up to 67 comments. Fuelled by their negative energy, I hit the gym at 9:50, then jogged to Normative Ethics 101 with Peter Railton, which starts at 10:00. “You’re nine minutes early!”, he cried, grinning from ear to ear. “I know”, I said, “unless my watch, my phone, and the clock on the wall have all coincidentally stopped at 9:51, in which case I’m in a real life Gettier case!” “Ha… h—er,”, he said, returning to his papers. That line always kills.

27/07/2024: I met my friend Ruby for lunch at Chipotle. Sighing, she said: “Matthew, I’m having a really rough week…”. “Oh no!”, I replied. “Wait, did I tell you I had three new arguments for the self-indication assumption, the principle I was telling you about according to which one should reason as if they were a random sample from the collection of all possible people?” I walked her through the arguments, and when I was done, I shit you not, she was totally convinced. She had literally no objections! We finished our burritos in silence.

28/07/2024: I had the worst nightmare. Scott Alexander and I were sat under a fig tree chatting about Christianity. Suddenly, the sky darkened, and Scott morphed into Albert Camus. Panicking, I tried to run, but the ground felt like jelly beneath my feet. I looked down, and the grass had transformed into Beth-2 unhappy shrimp, clamouring for higher welfare. I woke up, soaked in sweat.